I have a lot of thoughts racing through my mind currently. Thoughts about the kind of person that I have become within the last 8 months of meeting a man that has changed my life.
I am not running emotionally, but my tendency is to run. In fact, I was in a relationship with a man at one point for a couple months and I moved over state lines before telling him, "no, we could not see each other over the weekend" because I lived too many miles away. My tendency is to run. I get scared and wear the facade of 'strong and independent' and I shy away from someone getting to know the true me.
It is interesting that this relationship started states away. It is interesting that I may have needed that. I needed it to be able to experience the thrill of romance and the act of being cared for in-between lags of the typical in which solely God and I determined the adventurous unfolding of the day's agenda. Throughout the summer, in the early months of our new relationship, I missed Ryan without knowing the idiosyncrasies that were part of his very existence. Now, I find myself missing those unique things that contribute to his makeup. It has been good to get to know him.
As tremendously difficult it now is to be miles away, I have recently realized, and have begun to believe more so that this journey is a healing act. Last Saturday, I packed up belongings into storage and moved to a smaller, shared living space. I am excited, I am terrified. There has been much sacrifice of my 'independence.' However, I am beginning to wonder if I was ever really good at being independent anyway. I can be a good pretender. (For the record- I don't think I am bad at being independent- just, maybe, not as amazing as I thought I once was.) This has been a humbling process. I am not sure what the rest holds. I don't think any of us can legitimately claim that we do. I can hope, and wonder... but right now I am beginning to understand that in this moment, this physical place is actually and truly, good for this time. I am beginning to see that I would not rather the terms 'humility' and 'content' be absent in my character. It is my understanding that trust is an evolving ritual and discipline... and the imagery the comes to mind is that trust is comparable to a tightrope walk across extremely high mountain peaks with the elements mightily present.
((Ha! I thought I made that up! Check out the incredible shots of Michael Kemeter 'trusting'.))
-Don't look down: Austrian slackline walker Michael Kemeter sets out on his perilous walk across a 150ft line less than an inch wide, strung between the Pallavicini ridge on the side of Grossglockner mountain, Austria-
-Don't do that! Kemeter shows his head for heights as he kneels on the line after making his crossing. He went topless to lower wind resistance and reduce any excess weight-
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